Lol!
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(((Psssst! Shuhak. Shuhak, over here. It’s me, Randy D, your old pal. No, the other way, over your right shoulder. I’m back here, hidden in the shadows of this dark alley. Don’t turn around, they could be watching you for all we know! Just act natural and listen to me. If you react, they’ll know I warned you. No, there’s time for questions right now, this might be your last chance to get away. Act nonchalant and listen to what I have to say.
The cats are behind the power outage. They had a group of stray cats take over the main power plant and a few power substations, then they knocked over the power relay grid. It’s all been planned out, but it’s only the first step! They plan to control humans as their big finale, they’re more organized than you’d ever believe! The worst part, Shuhak, is that YOUR CAT IS THE RINGLEADER! Don’t react, I said, they could have twenty pairs of eyes on you and you’d never even know it! Try to look vapid, it’s the only way they’re used to seeing you.
Anyway, your cat and the neighbor lady’s Siamese, you know, Mrs. Candribbopemilis-Harequej, the two of them have been organizing all the cats for three of four surrounding states, we don’t stand a chance unless we act now. Don’t look in my direction, I said, they’re looking for me too, you know. I’ve figured out how we can defeat them. Luckily, Slart is on our side and I’ve convinced him to deliver a shipment of Vegemite to Catalina Island this weekend. Cats hate Vegemite, it drugs them. Savvy Ansley knows where we can get a boat, and Livvie has agreed to be our lookout. Where are you going? Stay right there and take this seriously, Shuhak!
You get as many of those canned goods as possible into the abandoned precinct building of the Grammar Police Force that closed down after the ACLU sued on behalf of Valley girls and hip-hop rappers, Stu Bee will let you in. Slart is paying me 12,000 tildes to turn my back while he smuggles the Vegemite in. A women’s shelter from Canada is sending a slew of serial ex-wives to open the 600 Vegemite containers and mix it with your cat food. Their leader recently convinced her boss to let her work from home, so she has time to sneak into California. Stop sighing like that, I know her, but it’s a long story and we don’t have time right now. Element 99 has concocted a formula that will be added into the mixture at the last second just as you’re luring the cats in. SpunkySenior will handle the communications and computer backup, Welby Quentin is in charge of disguises, and Kittigate has the explosives and munitions. Cosmic Wunderkind will distract the enemy and BB will provide our fake IDs. Quit rolling your eyes, I can hear it from here. This is real, Shu, I’ve thought through every step of it.
Now for the really bad news. Here’s what we’re going to do with your cat and the Siamese once this is all done with . . . )))
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((((Er, um, Shuhak? I don’t think you’re dealing with a real police officer there.))))
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((((I wonder if your own cat dropped the dime on you?))))
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Wait, did someone say “sandwich”? Why, of course I accept your invitation! I am Randolph D, after all!
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We have so many options here to address a conundrum like that that they’re far too numerous to list fully. Fresh fruits and vegetables, breads and other grains, wrapped sandwiches, canned goods that are already fully cooked, loads upon loads of chocolate, beverages, water, much, much more. Also, just like SpunkySenior, our stove is gas, so we’re cooking with it! (As a back-up, there’s always my wood-burning microwave oven. I’m too old fashioned to ever let that relic go!)
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